40- For Dads (& other support people)

Transcript:

This is episode 40! You know, One of my favorite things are workshop days! These are days when couples who have been going through my self-paced online classes gather together in-person for a pretty full day of application activities and Q & A time. One participant recently commented on a feedback form that the online lessons came alive during our workshop day. I was so encouraged by that comment! That’s the goal and that’s why I love workshop days! Mamas, you know you’re my favorites! But another thing I really enjoy about workshop days? The Dads. Sometimes they are a little reluctant to be there but often they ask such good questions and almost always leave feeling glad they came and encouraged and energized about the upcoming birth. Just from my most recent workshop one Dad commented on my feedback forms that the material was impactful and eye opening. Another said, “This has been a very beneficial workshop and I truly appreciate how much has been packed into one day.” Thankfully, another dad commented “the pacing didn’t make the day feel too long.” I worry about that sometimes. We do pack a lot in there. I wish I could remember all the things they said to me personally as the workshop was ending that day.

Of course, no workshop or online course is perfect and one of the suggestions for improvement that we regularly get is summed up in this request, “give just a tad bit more attention to the dads and what they may be facing.”

Ok Dads, I hear you. We’re working on how to implement this better in person but I want to take this podcast to speak directly to you. Let me just give a little aside here… I’ll be speaking directly to dads in this podcast but this can apply to any support person for mama. I recognize that Dad is not always the one (or the only one) in the birthing room with mama for a variety of reasons. So sisters, moms, friends, anyone who is supporting a birthing mama, much of what I’m saying today is for you too.

To all of you, Let me just say that your support starts way before you enter the birthing room. Part of what I advocate for in Preparing for Childbirth is preparing both body and soul & that goes for dads too. I know that many of my listeners are serious Christians and church members and one of the ways I encourage both mamas and daddies to prepare your soul for childbirth is to focus on your relationship with the Lord and with each other. Have you ever thought about how childbirth is a shadow of the gospel & can actually point us towards Jesus? I share some thoughts about that in episode 2 if you’d like to listen and that could lead to some great conversations for the two of you. [if you’re not a believer and interested in knowing more about the gospel, you might like to listen to episode 2 as well] Ok, Let me speak specifically to husbands for just a second as opposed to other support people…Some of your God-given roles as a husband and Father are to lead, provide, and protect. That doesn’t change in the birthing room. It is my prayer that the information and suggestions that I offer in this podcast (and even more so in my childbirth course) will help you do just that as you and your wife approach this special (& often scary or at least uncertain) time of welcoming your baby into the world.

So, How do you know what to do? It’s important to talk to mama ahead of time and know what her desires and priorities are for labor. Some of those desires will be fleshed out as she’s able to talk with you and figure it out. Encourage her to do that. Couples and mamas, in particular tend to report a higher level of satisfaction with their birth experiences when they play an active role in making decisions surrounding those experiences. One great way to do this is to take a childbirth education class together and talk about the things you learn, try the comfort measures, coping techniques, and relaxation exercises together. Even if mama opts to use an epidural or other pain meds, the things you learn will likely still come in handy. And the relationship building that comes as you learn and practice together is invaluable. In a childbirth education class you’ll learn how mama’s body works and what to expect as labor progresses. Hormones play a big role in the natural progression of labor so one of the things that it’s important for mama’s support team to do as she moves into active labor is to guard her space in such a way as to support the flow of hormones.

Oxytocin is the hormone that cranks up the contractions and it signals endorphins to come in and regulate the contractions and help with pain management. Oxytocin is sometimes referred to as the love hormone. That’s because it flows best when mama feels loved & safe, and cozy. Low lighting and gentle words in a warm, quiet, private place are ideal. On the other hand, panicky or abrasive people, feeling rushed or watched, and bright lights or a noisy environment all work against the production of oxytocin and will generally slow down labor. So an important job for you, dad, is to help mama have an oxytocin conducive space to labor in as much as possible.

Another way you can help guard the space for her is to be aware when she is having a contraction and don’t try to talk to her then – or let anyone else. If someone tries to talk to mama during a contraction, even if it’s a nurse or doctor, politely ask them to wait until she finishes. If they insist, maybe you can step in and answer the question or have the conversation in her place - but do it with low voices or even step away from where she’s laboring, if possible. Remember, you’re guarding her space.

As the contractions get stronger and closer together, it’s going to take everything she’s got (plus support and encouragement from you) to ride each wave of contraction. Early on she may be talkative between contractions but as things progress she’ll begin to stay more in her birthing zone even between contractions. Protect her bubble. Be a steady presence but don’t try to pull her out of her zone if she’s doing good. If she’s complaining, let her. Then encourage her. Don’t try to fix the pain. Tell her she’s doing great. Remind her how God designed her body to do this. Keep things calm safe and private. If she wants pain meds, she’ll ask for them.

If she’s struggling to get through the contractions, if what she’s doing isn’t working, help her regain control. Model a good breathing pattern for her or Pull out a labor positions cheat sheet and pick one for her to try with the next contraction. Remind her that she can do this. Pray for her (maybe outloud, maybe just a quick prayer in your mind). Then tell her the plan for the next contraction. If you know she doesn’t like being told what to do, give her a choice of 2 options from your cheat sheet but don’t overwhelm her with all the options and don’t just leave her to figure it out on her own when she’s obviously struggling. It is generally not helpful for you to ask, “what do you want me to do?” Observe what’s going on and how she might need support, then offer. Don’t be offended if what you offer is rejected or doesn’t work. Continue to be present. Continue to encourage her. Your steady, calming strength and encouragement gives her more support than you might realize.

All of this will go so much easier and smoother if you’ve spent time beforehand trying out different things, talking about her preferences, and learning how to communicate non-verbally. Practicing relaxation exercises ahead of time is so helpful too because then you learn how to recognize tension in different parts of her body and how she likes to be reminded to relax. Maybe it’s with a calm voice, “relax your jaw” or maybe a simple touch of your hand to her jaw is more helpful. During labor, another helpful thing for you to do is pay attention to her body and help her stay as loose as possible. A tight jaw likely indicates a tight pelvis. A looser mama = an easier birth. Is she more relaxed when she’s in your arms? Does rubbing her back help or maybe heat is the thing she likes. You know her best and often you’re the one who can best help her in that regard.

At some point, if mama is laboring without an epidural, she will probably hit a point where she feels like she just can’t do it anymore. This is actually a good sign that the end is very near. Dad, remember this and remind her when she hits that point. Remind her that the feeling of not being able to do it anymore is a very good sign post that she’s almost there…it’s almost time to push. And that means you’re so close to meeting your baby!

Know that it’s very normal during this transition time for mama to feel shaky, or too hot or too cold, or both. She might get more emotional or feel nauseous or even throw up. She will probably feel like or even say that she can’t do this anymore. Don’t be overwhelmed by all she’s experiencing or feel any pressure that you need to fix it. Your job is to be there and encourage her.

One of your most important jobs in this whole process is just being there. Be present. Be calm. Be steady. Don’t panic. Your steady presence is so important.

Put in the time ahead of time to prepare and know what her preferences and goals are when it comes to childbirth. She can’t handle a lot of questions in the middle of labor. Know your wife and be there for her. Help her move into whatever position she wants to try. Watch her. Anticipate what she needs. You might make a mistake but that’s ok and she’ll redirect you – hopefully in a kind way, (that’s a conversation for another day, ladies) but if not, show a lot of grace. Advocate for her if necessary. A good childbirth class ahead of time can help you know how to do that.

My husband and I prepared a lot for our first birth. He knew how important it was to me so even though it made him a bit uncomfortable he learned things he’d never had any desire to learn. He helped me practice breathing techniques and relaxation exercises and he didn’t laugh at me – though we did have some good laughs together. And when the time came, he guarded my space well. He would stop talking when a contraction started. He stopped others from trying to talk to me during contractions. After my water broke and the contractions really cranked up, I got scared for the first time but he was watching and he knew before I even said anything and he was right there by my side encouraging me and praying for me. He led me well with his steady presence and helped me to regain control and be ready for the next contraction. These are just the things I still remember after 23 years. I remember them because they are important pieces of that birth story that I’ve told and retold through the years. My husband’s participation and support was invaluable to me.

Preparing together is so important. I really do encourage you to take a childbirth class together if at all possible. And of course, I think my Growing in Confidence and Peace childbirth course is a great option! I walk you through how to prepare both body and soul and I provide talking prompts and activities to do together to help you prepare. I have new groups starting soon. You can check out the link in the shownotes or go to preparingforchildbirth.com/course for more information on how to join.

Show notes:

This episode is all about how Dads and others can best support mama during birth.

Connect with me:

Growing in Confidence & Peace Childbirth Course

If you’re local to Nairobi, Kenya, this is the link for you!

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